so i finally had a relationship experience.. and i have to say it probably wasnt the best, so why am i so hung up over now since its over? it was only three months of my life.. but the very first three months of my college life..i was happy, i like having someone there.. even though he was not "emotionally" there only physically.. for me that was better than nothing.. i have never had anyone constantly there that really cared about me and wanted to be with me.. thats how it was in the beginning and then it was just downhill from there.. i knew all along it was not the right person for me.. i was just having a good time.. dont get me wrong, i did have strong feelings.. and now that its gone, its even stronger.. that is how it always is though. everyone goes through it and it sucks.. going from one thing to the drastic opposite.. all it takes is time and in the meantime i dont really know what to do.. getting it all out is helping, but jealousy is already taking over.. and the coffee that is keeping me awake at such a late hour. part of me wants to fix it, but i know that if we had to try this hard it wasnt meant to be.. i will not let myself always be the one to go back and try to fix things.. i have done that all my life and it got me absolutely no where.. i am going to try and do things differently from now on.. i think one of my problems is that i have to always make sure things are right and in good condition.. and i hate change so much right now..it could be worse i know.. and i know in the future i will go through an even worse situation than i am in right now..i wish these things didnt have to happen.. all i keep thinking is that if he could have just been a better boyfriend things would have been perfect.. and they would.. he just felt differently, which always seems to be the case with me.. this just all adds to my lack of self-esteem and not liking myself.. i just feel like im not good enough for anyone.. there i go with being emo whateverrrrr..i need to get this out of my fucking head

Life Purposes?

What is my true purpose in life?

I believe that my purpose in life is not what people think it is.  The entire population has made this world into something it is not supposed to be.  Whoever created this world created it good in the first place.  Then idiots turned the world around to make it revolve around money, problems, and complete nonsense.  I believe the purpose for not just my own life but for anyones is to just live life day by day, have fun, and do what you want.  I feel that people just take advantage of everything, are selfish, and take things for granted.  This place could actually be really fucking cool you know?  Like back in the day, like way back in the day.  There wouldn't be all this technology shit.  Everyone would just all be one family.  Free love.  There would be no competition, no hate, no nothing.  Just love, fun, and freedom.  I do not think that life should be about working in an office day after day, to have to pay bills, to have to pay taxes, to have to listen to what everyone tells you.  I am not saying you should just sit on your ass all day long and be a lazy piece of shit.  Everyone should just work together to get what needs to be done, done.  This whole world revolves around one thing and that is IT.  Money.  Everything and I mean everything is related to money.  That is what is keeping this world alive.  There is the businesses.  Everything is a business.  Everyone is trying to 'sell' a product.  Everyone is fake.  Everyone will lie just to sell you what their business produces. I just think that everyone should be out in nature, no technology, and just learn about each other and all the cool things humans are really about.  We need to experiment and teach ourselves the tricks and trades of living.  Also, everyone is just worried about what other people think.  Why does it matter? I really don't know.  One thing I have learned so far is that it is only you that matters.  Everyone will eventually fuck you over in some way.  That is one thing I really do not understand.  I am totally aware of all of this, and I am not all about being the type of person to hurt you or lie or cheat or any of those matters.  How come I have not met one single person who thinks the same?  I guess I might someday who knows.  Anyways, my purpose..  I feel like I won't know exactly what I am supposed to do until it happens.  I really don't know what to do with my life.  There are things I want to do, but I do not really have the confidence to do them.  The one thing I wish for the most is that this world would be different.  We are killing ourselves and just making our lives hell.  We are the only ones to blame.  And obviously one person can not change what has been life for the past how many years?  I feel no one is really pure anymore, like everyone has been infected with some biological disease.  It might just be that some people do not have the awareness that some do , I don't know.  It would be awesome though to just live a life of peace and happiness.  It is not impossible.  Think back to the first people on earth, cavemen, whatever they were.  They had nothing, absolutely nothing, and they made it work.  They couldn't even talk.  But they communicated and made life work.  No one died of car crashes, plane crashes, overdoses, AIDS, none of that existed.  WE are the ones who have invented all of that bullshit.  I think the purpose to living has always been there since the beginning of this world, and life.  It has always been the same.  Whoever created this all, this form of life, had that purpose in life.  The first ones created lived that purpose.  Throughout time, we have destroyed that purpose, obviously for the worse.  Why can't anyone understand that?  It is not too late to go back, to live a good fucking life.  We are fed so much bullshit.  The news, government, just people in general.  For example this whole 'swine flu' shit.  Okay, it totally makes sense.  first the whole recession thing.  I think that anything said on the news is not 'real'.  If the government and news puts out something to the public enough times, anyone will believe it.  Wait, why does the 'government' have to control the world? Who made the government? I am pretty sure that is what is in charge of everyone.  Wait, yeah it is.  That is our first problem.  WE, US, ALL OF US, that is who should be in control of our own lives, not some group of people who are EXACTLY the same as everyone else.  They should not be granted the power of controlling everything we do, bust us for every mistake we make, tell us what we can and can't do.  That is completely ruining us.  Anyways back to the recession.  Going off of what I was saying, when the government tells us something enough times, everyone will revolve their lives, thinking, and actions around it.  The recession.  All over the media, anything that comes out of anyones mouth was this recession shit.  The government told us that our economy was so bad and all that shit.   Now they come out with this swine flu panic to not only scare us, but just give us all another problem to worry about, even though none of it really exists or matters.  Well I am not saying the flu thing doesn't exist, because it quite possibly could.  But, if you think about it, they are all just brainwashing us.  So basically we are all just fucked because not enough people will realize all of this to take a step to make a change.  I am sure  there are a handful of people who know this, but who can really stop something that is inevitable now?  It has gone way to far now, and I honestly don't think we can go back.  The main problem is the government.  If they could somehow magically disappear our life problems would be solved, and us pure human beings could go back to living the real life purpose, of just being alive.  I realize I might have just contradicted myself a few times, but that's how it is.  Sometimes you just need to get all of your feelings and thoughts out.   Once you work your way through your thoughts, your true feelings will come out and all the fake things you were thinking will go away.   You will be left with the truth of yourself and what you believe in.  

not enough space in my head

so when is anything going to get better? i honestly do not know what is so wrong with me.. i am not some psychotic ugly fuck.. things are always the same, always turn out the same way.  you want a guy, you cant have him. well thats how it is for me anyways.. i really do not understand one bit.. i am slowly starting to realize that all guys are identical... but they still weird the shit out of me.. i know it is not all about looks.. but come on that has to play some part? and im not trying to sound conceited at all because i am No where near that at all.. i know i am a good person, i have natural beauty. and people even tell me that.. but yet every single guy fucks me over. i always just feel so low and used and worthless all the time.. i never show this side to anyone though. i always 'act' happy as shit and like nothings bothering me even though i always have a million billion things running through my head at the same time.  i couldnt even go to sleep till 6 am because i cant control my thoughts.. like they never stop.. piled on top of having to live with a family of addicts does not make it any better.. how i have turned out the way i did, i still have no idea to this day.  i am so good at making other people get over their problems or feel better about themselves or shit like that.. but i could never help myself..i can never make myself happy just by myself.  i just feel like there is something significantly missing from my life.. which makes me go back to thinking that we were just made to have someone in your life to share a relationship with.. and i think that that is the one thing i need.. its actually so true.. all my problems relate back to the fucking guys.. and if i could only manage to find someone it would just make everyyything better? what the fuck man, i feel like i dont even know.. i also feel so lame that i have to resort to this to get my feelings out, not like anyone even knows i exist on here or knows me.. but just to get one more thing out.. it kind of pisses me off when someone spits all their game at you, and then has to tell your friends their not into you. hm maybe because you JUST hooked up with me, and didnt even take the time to get to know me.. like we party together and thats it.. we dont actually chill and shit you know? like how the fuck can you tell that you have no attraction to me when you dont know me at all.. you try to act all mature and shit since youre 21, but that honestly does not mean shit. okay fuck, i need to stop, like i hate hate hate this feeling i have right now. i dont want to feel this way at all, i dont know why guys can make you feel this way.. but whatever fjhgshiuhhverhbihrebiurk

fuck it

so honestly, there is nothing good, it is always bad. i feel so like emo for saying this shit haha but its the truth.. nothing is going good for me. no one really will talk to me anymore, i dont trust any of my friends, i have nothing and i have no one. i dont know what to do about school this year. theres no way i can go back to school cause i know i will just be treated like shit, and i dont feel like dealing with it, considering all i have been going through.. theres the thought of cyber school, but i dont really know anything about it.. is it true colleges wont like accept you if you go to cyber school your senior year? and theres also that possibility of moving an hour away to my moms and going to school there.. but i dont know i wouldnt know a single person.. fuck my life dude, seriously.  i keep trying to look positively about shit and its just not possible.. i guesss i fucking need a therapist or something i dont even know anymore..

ATLANTA!

so excited to go to atlanta next week and get away from EVERYONE and EVERYTHING in this dumb fucking town. it is going to be great.  i have been working everyday which is good so i dont have to be around the people i really dont want to be haha. but things have been changing for the better pretty much.. nothing is going to be back to the way they used to be.. i mean it sucks that our friendship had to end like this. we were such good friends for over a year. then you stop talking to me for no reason and i continuously try to fix it. and then you confess your "love" for me, hook up with me, and leave me with lies, a disease, and absolutely everything i thought was "real" just to shit.  you really fucked me over hard. but i dont care because its not like it hasnt happened before.. i just wish some people could realize how much of an asshole they really are. Buttttt off to work again! sweet cant wait, not. but today is a beautiful day! wish i could be outside 

infinite.

wow where to even begin.  nothing ever fucking makes sense right? i mean absolutely nothing.  nothing is ever fair, nothing ever goes the way you want.  everything is fake, just fake.  people are fake, the world is fake.  once you can escape your own ego, you can realize you dont need fakeness in your life.  nothing matters anymore, its just you and that is it.  there is nothing to hold you back from doing whatever the fuck you want.  i have never trusted anyone in my entire life, and i dont plan on it either.  for the simple fact that there has never been one person who hasnt fucked me over.  i mean i could care less, people are so shitty.  i just wish i could meet someone like me.  like i feel i am so different than anyone else i know.  seriously, i guess im fucking weird or something.. but no one understands me at all, and i cant get along with anyone.  i feel so outcasted because i cant relate to anyone, or not get annoyed by anyone.  theres so much drama and anger and nonsense everywhere it is so fucking overwhelming.  it would be awesome for people to realize that it dosent matter, and theres so much more to just living, than to have to lie, fuck people over, and just be a piece of shit.  like just fucking live, be happy, and chill out. do you know how much more interesting and enjoyable life would be. christ, why is that so hard, to just not be an asshole. i really dont get it because since im not like that at all, its hard to understand how people are like that. but what i dont understand the most is how i never do shit to anyone, never do anything to harm a single person.. and i get fucked over for every single action i do, and i mean every fucking thing. i honestly dont deserve it at all. as much as i can complain about everything thats bad in my life, it doesnt matter. i dont choose for these things to happen to me, they just do.  they happened and theres no going back, so i seriously should not waste my time complaining about them.. that is something i really should work on. i want to live a different life.  i dont want to go to college and get a career that im not even interested in.  i dont want to get married and have kids, and live the life that every single person in this world lives.  everyone is programmed to fulfill the exact same thing in life. i want to do something different, teach people that there are other ways of living, and more to your life than just having a job and making money.  fuck money, its so overrated.  its fake anyways. i just want to travel the whole world, just do things that are fun, have fun, thats all.  i dont need money, i dont need a car, i dont need valuables.  and i especially dont need any man in my life to bring me down, fuck me over, make me depressed.   if you think about it, that is all guys do, not even kidding.. they are programmed to all be the exact fucking same.  they can be enjoyable at times, a good time once and a while, make you feel good about yourself every once and a while.. but they are constantly fucking with you, lying to you, making you feel like shit. they are completely unnecessary.. i just want to go listen to good music, and feel good.  have no worries, just live infinitely.  soon everything will be in its right place.  soon my life will just fit together naturally, the way its supposed to be. i will no longer care, i wont even think to care anymore.  i am just here, stuck in this body, and i cant fucking get out.  i want out, but i dont have the answer on how yet. until then, i will make the best out of what i can, and just fucking live happily.